Why do people stop making friends?

There are a slew of factors: competing responsibilities, work (and in the United States, overwork), big moves and life transitions, the time that's required to maintain healthy romantic partnerships and raise a family, and then there's the lack of trust from those who have been scathed by friends before.

shondaland.com - Why Making New Friends Is Harder as We Get Older, and How to Do It Well

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It happens to all of us as we move through life: Our circle has slowly started migrating to another city, we have gone through one or two big life transitions ourselves, or maybe we’ve outgrown a number of friendships. A 2020 study conducted by Cigna revealed that 61 percent of Americans, or three in five adults, reported feeling lonely — a 7-percent increase from 2018. The data doesn’t lie: We are hungry for deep, meaningful connections. But what makes adult friendships — and cultivating meaningful adult friendships — increasingly more difficult to establish than they were at a younger age? There are a slew of factors: competing responsibilities, work (and in the United States, overwork), big moves and life transitions, the time that’s required to maintain healthy romantic partnerships and raise a family, and then there’s the lack of trust from those who have been scathed by friends before. As author of We Should Get Together and Connected From Afar and connection coach Kat Vellos puts it in an email interview, “Our ability to develop intimacy in a world dominated by impatience and short attention spans [is shrinking]. Even when people want to have more fulfilling friendships, many folks feel flummoxed about how to turn an acquaintance into a BFF.” Danielle Bayard Jackson , a licensed educator and friendship coach, was working among high-powered, career-focused women at large companies and noticed how often the conversations began leaning toward friendship — or the lack of it. “That’s when I made the connection of, oh my gosh, this is an issue at every stage. At every stage, we’re trying to figure out how to navigate friendship,” she says. Research tells us that, for both men and women, the age of 25 is when most of us start losing friends. “Suddenly, your friends disappear, or you all start taking new life directions as you graduate from college,” Jackson says. “You adopt new values. And so, you look up, and you think, ‘Where did all my people go?’”

So, what are some tangible things you can do if you’re in need of some new friends?

Start with friends you already know

“‘Make new friends’ and ‘meeting new people’ are phrases that we tend to use synonymously, but the two are not the same,” Jackson explains. “Making new friends simply refers to the art of cultivating something meaningful with another person. And who said that that has to start from scratch?” Jackson tells us that many of her clients are initially under the impression that finding companionship involves meeting strangers, getting close to them, and then having people in their circle to socialize with. But what they’re really looking for, she says, is depth and connection in their lives. “I encourage you to start with people you already know,” Jackson says. “Many of us have tons of potential besties in our sphere, but we’ve written them off for one reason or another: She’s too young, she’s too uptight, she’s a mom, [and] I’m not a mom yet ... we’re just mutual friends.” Starting at home, as Jackson calls it, is a smart, strategic way to find fulfillment in the friendship department. “You already have a buffer because you have things in common [or] you’re working in the same space. Start with people you know would be [my] number-one tip because it’s so underrated.”

Meet your neighbors

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Nearly half of people in the United States feel as though they lack companionship (49 percent) and feel isolated from others (48 percent), according to Cigna’s 2020 loneliness report . Lucky for those who can relate, Vellos says this is “basically a guarantee that there is someone else geographically near you who wishes they had better friendships too.” Whether directly next door or at the dog park down the street, there is a good chance your newest friend is closer than you think. “Developing friendships in your hyperlocal surroundings is one of the best things you can do for your social well-being, and for that of your partners and kids too,” Vellos advises. Bake and deliver a warm batch of fresh cookies, host a happy hour for your hallway, or (deep breath) simply knock on your neighbor’s door and say hello. “Who are neighbors you bump into all the time, but you never flip that switch in your brain to start seeing them as friends and stop reducing them to just mutual associates? How might you approach things differently if you started to see them through a lens of potential?” Jackson asks. Try extending conversations with your neighbors by just one or two more minutes. Vellos advocates swapping in more creative alternatives to the question “How are you?” such as “How’s your heart today?” or “What was your day (or week) like?” and “What’s the vibe today?’’ “These questions will all get you where ‘How are you?’ is supposed to lead but rarely does,” Vellos says.

Put it out there

If you are looking to get plugged in — especially if you have moved somewhere new — Jackson says you’d be surprised at how freeing and fruitful your search will be if you make your intentions known. A good place to start is putting out a message on social media for your existing friend circles to see, expressing that you’re new to the city (or eager to change things up and meet new people) and you’re looking for places and people to get plugged in with. “I think we’re so scared of how that will make us look, but you’ll be surprised to learn that people are eager to share their two cents,” Jackson says. “People are happy to be helpful. People like to show off what they know.” If you cringe at the idea of posting anything of the sort online, Jackson recommends identifying what she calls “super connector” friends and acquaintances. Super connectors are people who, as the name implies, enjoy connecting with other people. This approach can involve sending a super connector a message and letting them know you are looking to get more plugged in. Jackson says the communication can go something like “‘I instantly thought of you because you always have friends around, and you’re always up to something really cool. So, I gotta ask: Do you know of any events or things that are coming up this week that you think are worth checking out?’” You can also apply this tactic face-to-face, one-on-one. If you’re a new employee or a parent chatting with another parent on the playground, telling them honestly that you enjoy their presence and would like to spend more time with them is a warm, gentle way to unlock a potential friendship.

Go where your interests are

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“I always challenge my clients after they pick a group that they want to go to — a book club, a sewing group, a cooking class — to go three times,” Jackson shares. “The reason this makes such a difference is because if I attend something knowing I’m coming back, I engage differently. I’m asking more questions.” If groups and clubs aren’t your speed, you can connect with potential friends who share your interests one-on-one. Vellos gives a personal example of a new friend she made through a mutual acquaintance who introduced them: “We’re both writers, so one way that we deepened our knowledge of each other was by reading a fair amount of each other’s writing during the first few weeks of knowing each other. This indirect way of investing in learning about each other was perfect for two writerly types, and it always sparks the most interesting conversations when we chat on the phone.”

Growing new friendships

A study by Dr. Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas, commonly referred to by friendship experts, found that it takes “roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple ‘friend’ status, and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend.” “There’s still a ramping-up process where you vet each other to see if you have chemistry and compatibility,” Vellos says. “Make sure to allow time for that getting-to-know-you phase. You wouldn’t ask a stranger to be your boyfriend or girlfriend without getting to know them first, and the same goes for friendship. That’s an essential part of being intentional when forming relationships.” It’s all about keeping the momentum and being in contact regularly. The getting-to-know-you phase is an important one and involves being as intentional as possible. The biggest mistakes people tend to make while building a meaningful connection, Vellos says, are “not making yourself readily available to the other person and giving up too soon. For a friendship to take root, it needs openness, flexibility, and a consistent habit of ongoing meaningful contact,” Vellos emphasizes. “Don’t trick yourself into thinking that you are good to go because you exchange some DMs,” Jackson warns. “How can we spend meaningful time together if I’m trying to achieve actual depth and closeness that might be friendship?” Vellos is a big proponent of bringing compelling questions and curiosity to the beginning stages. “Don’t be afraid to use some of the excellent tools out there for fostering deeper conversations, e.g., Better Than Small Talk, School of Life, and We’re Not Really Strangers cards. Open up and let the other person know the real you.”